that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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