Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
