Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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