I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
