the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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