Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
