She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
