I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
This is my gift to your gina
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
