I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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