mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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