You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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