I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
