i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
