ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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