pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
