Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
