I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
