I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
