i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
my liver is dry heaving
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
