How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
