I puked a lego.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
