that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
