This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
