she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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