Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Randomize
