the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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