so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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