just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
