i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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