So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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