My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
