My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize