well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I want you more than these girls want KFC
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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