your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
