dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
