you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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