i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
