Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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