Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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