this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
