I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
