so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
