why didn't you poke me back
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I need to calm my uterus...
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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