the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
