Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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