sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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