Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
