4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
