i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
