i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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