It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
