I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
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