the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
