i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
