Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Green mimosas i think yes
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
