and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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